dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
