i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
