Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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