What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
