I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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