Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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