WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
please don't ironically join a cult
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