Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
