i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
