so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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