its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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