Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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