I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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