I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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