Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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