i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
