Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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