Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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