Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
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You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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