the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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