On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
