xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize