I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
COCAINE IS GR8
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
