Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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