Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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