is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
