I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
