Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
