I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
