I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
