did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
