Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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