I wish my penis had an off switch
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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