**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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