Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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