tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
