textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
