I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
