It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
