you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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