Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
