i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just high enough for therapy.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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