when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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