That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
