it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We need to get me chipped asap
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
