proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
