I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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