She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
