I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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