pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
