I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
