did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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