you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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