Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize