Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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